I feel like I have been in the throes of a vivid and distorted alternate reality. For about six months I was slowly enfolded into a world that offered a financial freedom I had ever really imagined possible. I firmly believed I was part of a team that was breaking ground and creating something amazing and profitable and successful on the web. I thought I was on the leading edge of a new industry that would be ON TOP, in internet years, for a millennia (in real life years, maybe 2 or 3) and after that would maintain as a steady business for years to come.
I didn’t think it was a scam. I thought I was advertising for an internet start up. I thought I was in on the ground floor.
Now I have to wake up.
Now I have to reacclimate to what my reality truly is.
I have a job, my husband has a job. Given – they are with the same company so all our eggs are now in one basket, but still, it’s a job right now. A paycheck coming this Friday. We have a project that we are bidding that if we are able to land will keep us gainfully employed for at least another 18 months. That’s like 72 Fridays.
I have stuck to my debt reduction plan even though I had fully expected to double my annual income starting in approximately 3 months so at least didn’t dig a bigger hole. My plan for my 2nd income was to completely eradicate my debt with the additional funds while maintaining my lifestyle (mortgage, utilities, etc.) with an hourly 9-5, so I didn’t run out and buy a new Audi. Even though I really, really, really wanted one.
My children are happy and healthy and have no idea that my dreams for their future took a six month acid trip. They have no idea that I can’t take them to Ireland next summer or put thousands in their college fund. They don’t know that I don’t know how I’ll pay for braces. I know that I can’t. But I can’t let them know that.
I have a family that loves me, a husband who never put much stock in my little internet venture so he doesn’t feel the loss I feel, he supports me even though he doesn’t fully understand. I have a support system that extends past the four walls of my home.
I am well and truly blessed. Whatever God you believe in, religion you follow, or philosophy of our world and the fates that speaks to you, under all the possibilities of our universe I know that I have been handed opportunities and gifts in this life that I need to focus on appreciating.
I want to spend time each day deep in a moment of true happiness. It might only be a fleeting moment, but if I focus I know I can find it each and every day.
So I wake up. I open my eyes. It was a lovely dream that morphed into a nightmare more quickly than I ever could have imagined it would. But the great thing about waking up from a nightmare is that you get to look around and say – that wasn’t real. I’m safe. This is my life, this is my world. You get to snuggle up tighter with your husband, or your wife, or your kid, or your dog or your cat or whatever it is you sleep with at night and put it behind you and move on.
I’m opening my eyes.
This is my life.
I think I had lost sight of just how much I love it.